This Week’s Irritants

Standing ovations:  When you award a standing ovation to every performance, no matter how average or awful it is, there is absolutely no motivation for the performers to excel.  Why should they, when they are treated like rock stars for mediocrity?  If it’s a so-so performance, go ahead and applaud – but keep your fat ass seated.


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Diet books:  I have never understood them.  Throughout history, there have been two ways to stay in shape, and two ways only:  portion control and exercise.  No fun at all, but the only way to stay slim.  And yet millions of people waste money on these ridiculous books.

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CNN bimbo Alino Cho (the woman with a speck of dirt on her lip, above) did a report on the lurking dangers of … the office break room.  Seems there are lots of germs in break rooms.  Cho was reporting on a study paid for by Kimberly-Clark, which just happens to be a cleaning-products company.  Two thoughts came to mind:  1) Somehow, our ancestors conquered the New World, often subsisting on things like grubworms and wild berries.  Keeping that in mind, the office break room fails to strike fear into my heart.  2) If this report frightens you, you’d better damn well vote for the Democrats, because Republicans are anti-regulation, including, presumably, health regulations.

CNN did a report on something that might or might not be a story, maybe in August, but maybe not, possibly in Florida, but possibly not.  CNN asked this burning question:  What if a hurricane hits Florida during the Republican National Convention in August?

Oh, gosh.  What if lightning strikes me as I sit here typing on this ke—

Bill Clinton caught hell for posing with porn stars in this photo.  But seriously … aren’t these women, presumably hard-working taxpayers, better citizens than the Wall Street fat cats who usually pose for pictures like this?


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I am  in an especially foul mood today, because it was a sad week for disco.  Yes, you heard me, I said IT WAS A SAD WEEK FOR DISCO.  We lost Donna Summer and a Bee Gee.  In my humble opinion, disco, that much-maligned musical marvel of the '70s, was topped only by The Beatles in toe-tapping excellence over the  past 50 years.  Love to love you, baby.


                                           

“Kinda makes you wonder what the ‘Greg Gutfeld Foundation’ has done lately,” O’Donnell raged.  “These people [Gutfeld and his guests on Fox’s Red Eye] think Mario Batali deserves to be slapped around.”

Gutfeld is a quick-witted little twerp, but he’s often guilty of the same ploy he accuses Bill Maher of using:  issuing some vile comment about liberals and then hiding behind the label of “comedian.”

I’d go back to Newsweek or Time, but Time has a breast-feeding teenager and Newsweek has a homosexual politician on their covers.

Many newborns in the animal kingdom are cute, such as puppies.  Human babies all look the same:  ugly, wrinkled little Winston Churchills.  And yeah, and that includes your baby.

                                                 

Count me among those surprised observers when, in the wake of revelations about Mitt Romney’s bullying of a gay student when both were in high school, Anderson Cooper announced plans to leave his lucrative anchor job at CNN to join Romney’s presidential campaign.  Cooper’s decision was nearly as eye-opening as the announcement earlier this week by Rachel Maddow that she will be leaving her post at MSNBC to join the fact-checking gang at PolitiFact.com.  Good luck to both of you!


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Smart people seem to get more respect in England than they do in this country.  In England, people turn on the telly to watch a tall, scrawny guy who is virginal, a genius in his profession, and a social misfit.  This is what he looks like.


                                      

In the U.S., we turn on the telly to watch a tall, scrawny guy who is virginal, a genius in his profession, and a social misfit.  This is what he looks like (on the left).


                             


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This is Howard Stern.  He didn’t do anything particularly newsworthy this week, but next week Stern begins his stint as a judge on America’s Got Talent.  I have a feeling he will be gracing these pages from time to time, so get used to his mug.

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I’ve been wondering how Fox News managed to talk liberal stalwart Bob Beckel into taking a seat at the table on The Five.  Beckel is forever outnumbered and out-sniped by his four conservative co-hosts.  But then I realized that someone at Fox was clever enough to make sure Beckel is always seated right beside the “legs” chair.


                   


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The governor of my state actually thanked Snidely Whiplash, aka Minnesota Vikings owner Zygi Wilf, for blackmailing Minnesota taxpayers into building a new stadium for his team.

Wilf sounds like MILF.  But it’s not Zygi who’s getting screwed.

I am thinking that this year I will celebrate my birthday not once, but twice:  once on the actual day of my birth, and once on the day that I was conceived.

Fermin:  Hello sir.  Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support.  My name is Fermin. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Grouch:  I think I need to just drop this voicemail feature on my computer, because 1) I never use it, and 2) I am now unable to use my telephone, and I am missing phone calls.  How on earth do I just get rid of it?

Fermin:  I will be more than glad to do the best I can to assist you today.  I hope your day is doing just fine.

Grouch:  Well, I can no longer use my telephone, and I suspect it’s because of this voicemail feature I have on my computer, which I never use.

Fermin:  I understand your concern, sir.

Fermin:  To make sure that I’m working with the correct phone, kindly verify the affected Comcast phone number and also your best contact number so we can call you if necessary.

Grouch:  You can’t call me.  My phone does not seem to be working.

Fermin:  I understand your concern.

Fermin:  Please in chat.

Fermin:  Please stat in chat.

Fermin:  Thank you so much.

Grouch:  I just want my phone to work again.

Fermin:  No problem.  Kindly connect the base unit of your phone directly to the modem at tel line 1 and 2 ports to verify which port is working.

Grouch:  The telephone is in another room, it’s not near the computer.

Fermin:  At this point, I humbly ask your patience and cooperation to follow my instructions so that we can resolve this phone issue now.  Please plug your phone directly to the modem.

Grouch:  But the telephone is not in the same room as the computer.

Fermin:  I understand you.  Please make sure to connect the wire or cable to the line 1 port at the back of the modem so that the wall outlet in your room will surely work.

Grouch:  The only way I can get a dial tone is by bringing the entire phone apparatus into this room and plugging it into the computer.  I don’t want the phone in this room.  I think perhaps you had better schedule a technician.

Fermin:  Yes.  I can see that there is an issue with your inside wiring.  The appointment schedule will be on 5/5/2012 between 2 pm and 4 pm.  Please keep this ticket as your reference.

Grouch:  You have to stop typing so I can write the number down.  This screen keeps scrolling by itself.

Fermin:  I’m glad I was able to help you.  Do you have any other questions or concerns I can help you with today?  I just wanna make sure all your concerns will be taken cared of today.

Grouch:  They were not taken care of.  I will have to wait until Saturday and probably pay 49.95 to fix the problem.

Fermin:  I understand your concern.  Is there anything else I can help you with today?

“You can’t even believe what comes out of this guy’s mouth sometimes.” – MSNBC’s Krystal Ball, ranting about Mitt Romney.  I’m not sure that Krystal is the best person to be talking about things coming out of people’s mouths.  Remember these pictures, Krystal?


          

           

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I must need new glasses.  I thought this headline said: “IQ.”

“I think his picture may appear next to the word ‘narcissism’ in the dictionary.” – HLN’s A.J. Hammer chiding Simon Cowell.  Yup, it’s probably right next to this picture of A.J. Hammer.